No Longer An Orphan

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

It was an ordinary day.  My youngest daughter and I had gone to the local store for our weekly shopping. We both enjoyed these occasions to not only be together but also to experience the fun of buying food

We had just turned up another aisle when I heard her voice beside me.

“Mommy, can we get some oranges?”

 I looked at the oranges and then at her as she gazed down on the huge bin of perfectly shaped oranges.

“Sure honey,” I answered as I remembered a time more than seven years ago in an orphanage far across the Atlantic.

It was Christmas time.  All the children in the Russian orphanage were excited about receiving their gift. One orange. It was a special treat for them living in a place where fresh fruit was a delicacy. Oranges. Something that those of us who live in America almost take for granted. Those orphans held their prized oranges with wonder and delight.

‘Oh sure honey,’ the spirit within me cried out. ‘Take as many oranges as you want. You are no longer an orphan. You are my child.’

My daughter no longer remembers that time in the orphanage. But I do.

There are moments I experienced back then that I will always treasure in my heart.

No longer an orphan.

Adoption has changed everything for my daughter. She not only has my last name, and a family and as many oranges as her little heart wants but she also has a future and a faith in the One Who holds her in  His Hand.

Some children continue to live like orphans years after they have been adopted.  The healing process of becoming adopted on the inside takes time and work and a lot of love. Parenting those who are still struggling to accept that they are no longer orphans is not always easy. But it is well worth all the efforts. Matter of fact, you have no idea how great a difference you are making.

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Don't miss this opportunity

Monday, March 1, 2010

Every once in a while you come upon a book which holds you in its grip until the very last page. That’s what “Ransomed” did to me. Els Van Hierden skillfully weaves the stories of Jared and Vanessa Williams who long to adopt a son in Russia, David Valensky, a successful US businessman who has experienced terrible personal loss and Karina Svetlana, an orphanage director with a dark past.

I found myself remembering incidents that I had personally experienced while in Russia and reflecting on the lives of so many Russia people particularly the children. It’s a story of hope and grace which will captivate you and stir your spirit. Although it is fiction it still gives you a feel for the needs of the orphans in that part of our world.

The author and her husband adopted their fifth child from Russia in 2006. Her heart for the suffering children in Russia produced this extraordinary book. Whether you have already experienced an international adoption or are just considering it, take some time to read this book. Woven between the pages is truth which will give you a deeper understanding of the huge needs.  I believe we will be reading more from this author.

If you read one book in the coming year check out “Ransomed”.  

I'm so excited about this book that I am offering a copy to the first person who contacts me. Don't miss this opportunity. Hurry!

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Talks Around the Table

Monday, February 22, 2010

 

When I was growing up one of the highlights of my day was the talks we would have around the dinner table.  Whether it was school, politics or a current issue we would banter freely back and forth. 

 

Today our talks around the table also are current topics of the day. Sometimes I enjoy presenting an adversarial opinion just to see how my girls will respond and to teach them to speak with knowledge. Oftentimes someone runs off for the dictionary or encyclopedia or the Bible to support their thoughts or opinions. Our table talks are invigorating and stretching. As a parent I learn so much from my kids. As a parent I’m challenged to keep teaching them Truth in a world of change.

 

Do you still make time to eat together as a family? Do you discuss matters together allowing free flowing discussions?  Healthy families enjoy spending time together and one of the easiest ways to make time is around the table.

 

“Tell me how I’m doing as your Mom,” I ask from time to time. I need the feedback of my children. I listen to it and allow their words to matter. They also receive feedback always emphasizing strengths and growing edges. Everyone needs a pat on the back from time to time.

 

Yes, I encourage you to make time to talk around the table.  Words spoken around our table will be remembered far beyond my lifetime.

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A Time To Celebrate

Thursday, February 11, 2010

On Sunday, Valentine’s Day, my youngest daughter will turn ten. It is hard to believe. Where have those seven years gone? I remember well that day on February 8, 2000 when we arrived home from Russia. My brother in law and I were exhausted from the flight and all that went into getting this special child.  She was quiet but already showing her strong personality.

Yes, my dimpled charmer, will soon be ten. She has experienced so much in her short life. For the first few months she used to awaken at night screaming in terror. She battled so many fears one of which was the fear that someone would come to snatch her away. I held her in my arms for hours trying to reassure her that she was home but it took a long time for her to rest in that assurance. Policemen scared her. Loud sounds scared her. And thoughts of being taken away from Mommy scared her.

Many problems adopted children experience have nothing to do with being adopted. For example a shy child who struggles in school isn’t necessarily experiencing an adoption issue. But a child recently adopted who screams out in the night is experiencing an adoption issues.

Sometimes parents who have adopted are so thrilled to have their adopted child that they fail to discipline a child. But if any parent lets a child rule the household that parent is in for big trouble. Parents need to discipline their child appropriately always working to communicate expectations and love.

So it is important as parents to recognize what is a problem and whether it is related to adoption or not.  What do you do if you think your child has a problem related to their adoption? Speak with your family doctor or pediatrician. Consult with a counselor or coach familiar with adoption issues. I can be reached at 540-825-1134.

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Book Review

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

                             A  Foster Adoption Story: Angela and Michael’s Journey

                             A Therapeutic Workbook for Traumatized Children

                              By Regina M. Kupecky, LSW and Christine Mitchell

I was delighted to come upon this workbook written especially for traumatized children. It is written in easy to understand language and deals with various issues some of which are separation, loyalty issues, siblings and adoption. Reading it and looking at the illustrations I knew that children would find it easier to share their feelings while going through this workbook.

It tells the story of a brother and sister from when they are with their birth family until they are finally adopted. One of its strengths is how it helps parents to understand the hearts particularly the fears of these children. 

This hands-on resource will be helpful for professionals, clinicians and parents. Each page includes questions and a place where answers can be written down. The pictures can be colored as you discuss the experience with your child.

I highly recommend this book for all those working in the foster adoption experience.

It will be one you will want to work through slowly and carefully.

Thank you  Regina Kupecky and  Christine Mitchell.

This workbook sells for $6.95 at Amazon.com and CreateSpace.com

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What Does a Failed Adoption Mean?

Monday, January 25, 2010

Years ago I experienced a failed adoption. I’m glad that I had already had a successful adoption in Russia seven years earlier. This time I had gone to Ukraine and after three weeks the adoption of a precious little blond haired girl fell through. I left the country and came home to Virginia weary and heart broken.

Many people asked, “Now what?”

I answered again and again, “I don’t know.”

My eight year old asked, “Now what?”

I held her closely as we both cried and I whispered, “I don’t know.”

That failed adoption was extremely difficult. But a few years later I was traveling to Russia again to adopt my second daughter.  There is no doubt in my mind that she was always the one intended for me.

Failed Adoption does not mean never.

Failed Adoption does not mean wrong.

Failed adoption only means that that one was not meant to be.

Never give up. Never. Never

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The Next Step Is Up To You

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Time and time again parents are confronted with difficult moments with their children. The person who said that parenting is not for cowards had it right. We are stretched in our patience, challenged and almost teased with “What are you going to do about this?”

Parents of adopted children face this even more as a result of so many factors one of which is attachment difficulties.

Since healthy attachment to a caregiver is necessary for cognitive, emotional, social and behavioral development, individuals with RAD often experience difficulties in these areas. Problems in attachment have been shown to impact an individual’s ability to relate to others.

So what can a parent do if there is no specialist in attachment disorders in their area? Traditional counseling is often ineffective since it relies upon the establishment of a therapeutic relationship. No, in these cases the parents must become “experts” in addressing their child’s condition. Read about attachment disorders. Become involved with online support groups. And also be willing to try different parenting strategies.

Instead of explaining why your child should not do something, allow him/her to see the consequences of his behavior…for himself. Be focused on what you are looking for in your child rather than fixating on the undesirable behaviors. Instead of waiting to praise the attainment of a goal, look to reinforce the approximation of desirable behavior .. particularly the ones that involve social relatedness.

Look for every opportunity to model healthy social interactions for your child. Instead of trying to find a specialist to fix your child, find a counselor or coach whom you feel comfortable with. Get the support you need to provide guidance along the parenting journey. It will make all the difference.

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Bonding - One Memory At A Time

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Anyone involved with adoption is familiar with the emphasis on bonding. Adopted children frequently come to us with attachment issues. Parents are wise to not only be on the lookout for these issues but also to intentionally parent with establishing a healthy bond in mind.

 

In our day and age of microwave fixes it is too easy to buy a book about bonding, do a few things and assume that all is corrected. Unfortunately a child with bonding issues is not easily fixed. It takes time and treatment to heal that wound. In addition parents who struggle with their own attachment issues as a result of poor parenting will need help themselves to develop a healthy bond.

 

Knowing this we must not only get professional help from someone with experience in adoption issues. We must also relax and develop a realistic perspective. This will take time. It takes many, many bonding moments to develop a healthy parent child bond.

 

So what can you do? Continue to create those meaningful bonding moments. And if you have any questions please call me at 540-825-1134. A healthy bond reaps rich dividends.

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A Look in the Mirror

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Parenting has never been easy. Parenting today is a challenge. Parenting our adopted children can stretch and twist us in many different directions. But no matter how difficult the season, no matter how painful those anxious moments, or long the sleepless nights – I would rather be my daughters’ mother than not.

 

Life is filled with stressful moments. Life today can be overwhelming and just plain difficult. Life is confusing and sometimes chaotic.  What is the impact of all this confusion on you? How does it affect your parenting? All too often it causes a parent to become even more irritable and impatient. In a relationship the emotions of one can easily trigger the emotions of another and vice versa.

 

So what do you do? There are three simple steps which if taken can prevent a parent’s stress from spilling over to their child.

 

  1. Be self aware

If you know that you have had a hard day it is not the time for serious, emotionally laden discussions. Delay until you are feeling better. Look in the mirror and decrease your stress first.

 

  1. Make time to play

It is all too easy to become serious and problem focused. Take steps to lighten the mood by incorporating humor and comedy. Set realistic expectations and above all laugh some.

 

  1. Take care of yourself first

Get support through a coach who understands your issues.  Take steps to decrease your stress and simplify your life. Like sharpening a pencil, parents must take the time to sharpen their own skills first. By taking these steps parenting becomes much more effective and enjoyable.

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Little Things are Big

Monday, January 4, 2010

 Well it’s a new year. What have you done so far to build a happy, healthy family?

I find that it’s those countless little things which are really big. In the long run they work together to create a family which not only works well together but also contributes to its community and world.

You don’t have to have lots of time. As a single parent with my own private counseling practice I must juggle carefully my commitments.  I am never able to do all that I would wish with my daughters but somehow God multiplies the minutes and what we have is not only working well but it is something very precious to experience.

Little things? It’s the moments talking together while we wash the dishes by hand. It’s those spontaneous discussions around the dining room table while eat. It’s those moments of laughing together while snuggled in one bedroom watching old I Love Lucy reruns while it is freezing outside. These are some of the things which bond my two daughters and I together. Countless good memories.

Life happens very quickly. Society pulls families apart. I encourage you to think carefully about how your family is spending time and energy. Is it what you are doing building relationships or robbing you of precious time together? Five years from now will it matter how you are spending today?

Building a sense of family takes time. It doesn’t happen automatically. But it is worth it.

Yes, like anything else. It’s those little things which make a big difference.

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