Finally Home
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
All parents want to succeed in raising emotionally healthy children. Parents who adopt have already invested greatly in the life of a child even before they see or hold him. Although most parents are aware that children who arrive later in infancy or childhood require more careful parenting, not all know how to do this.
Parenting the adopted child requires not only skills of nurturing to build healthy relationships but also skills to decrease any upset of losses or mistreatment that the child might have experienced. Research shows that being intentional in our parenting can significantly ease the transition of change in an adopted child's life.
What is most important for the parent to focus on during that first year of transition? They don't want to be so overly focused on potential that they are unable to enjoy their little one. Parents can help make the first year a great one by following these six steps.
The first step is to begin building a trusting relationship by extra nurturing. Purposely nurture your precious little one. Limit your time away from your child. Meet your child's needs consistently in a sensitive manner. Respond quickly to his needs and allow your child to regress. Bottle feeding, rocking to sleep and being carried can all contribute to building a trusting relationship.
Let your child experience you as a safe person who is meeting his needs. Eye contact and focused attention are also important. Playing games like peek-a-boo and pony rides etc will promote healthy bonding. Your child will begin to discover that he is safe with you.
I'll be sharing some more steps which you can take in future blogs. Feel free to leave your comments and share your experiences and thoughts.All parents want to succeed in raising emotionally healthy children.
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Building Attachment
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Attachment is an essential part of a child's development. A child's feelings of attachment to special people and the world around him influence his socialization, his intellectual development and his identity formation.
In infancy building attachment is fairly easy. With children adopted at an older age or with special needs though, building attachment can be more challenging. Using times when the child's defenses are lower such as when they are sick or hurt makes this easier.
Shortly after I had returned from Russia with my youngest who had just turned three, she came down with a virus. I remember the joy I felt when she wanted to me to sit and hold her. I immediately changed my schedule in order to spend more time with her. I knew that this was a window of opportunity which would pass but I wanted to plant as many seeds of love as I could. We spent hours together talking. I fixed her favorite chicken noodle soup and we ate together. I read her stories and told her many stories about my experience in adopting her.
Yes, in a few days she was feeling much better. Not only had her high temperature dropped but also her desire to sit still with me for any significant amount of time. She was well and back in control of her little life. I smile when I remember my sadness. Those moments had been so precious. But it wouldn't be long before she was willing to cuddle with me.
I continued to persevere in building an attachment with her through many different ways. I learned to be sensitive to her signals and to provide many different positive encounters. Slowly a deep bond of love was formed between us. I marvel today how close she is to me.
Don't become discouraged if sometimes your efforts to build attachment are thwarted. Keep a vision of the relationship you longed to have with your adopted child and keep moving forward. Love never gives up!
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Building Positive Bonds
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
When I returned from Russia with my little two year old daughter, my ten year old daughter experienced very conflicting emotions. Although on the one hand she was excited at finally having a little sister, on the other hand she felt threatened and insecure. Being an only child for ten years was a place she loved in my life. And to begin to learn to share me with another was not something she wanted to attempt. Quickly our home changed from a place of love and laughter to a battlefield filled with angry word and loud cries.
I was torn between the needs of each child. I prayed for wisdom asking for help in understanding each child so that I could help them to build a forever sister bond. I began to focus on the strengths I saw in each of their personalities and I looked for opportunities to speak of them to each other. "She's such a good big sister," I'd say to my youngest encouraging her to listen to and appreciate her big sister. "She's so sweet when she speaks of you," I'd mention to my oldest daughter. "She wants to be just like you." Again and again I would make a point to highlight the strengths of each of my daughters to the other.
It didn't happen immediately. No, for days and weeks it looked like nothing was changing. But gradually I began to see a difference in how they saw each other. Slowly they began to see each other not as one with whom to compete but as a fellow team member. Our family is still a work in process but the impact of speaking positively to and about each other is lasting and noticeable. I'm now experiencing the results of weeks and months of talking up each others strengths. What a joy it is to see!
Yesterday I stopped at the local market for coffee before going in to work. Both girls were with me. I looked down at my youngest daughter whom I'd soon be leaving with her grandparents. I knew that she'd enjoyed her time with them but I'd miss being with her.
"Honey, you can choose one candy bar today," I said as we walked towards the store. That was something I rarely do but something seemed to prompt me from within. She looked up at me and her face broke into a huge smile. Then her eyes moved to her big sister.
"Can she get one too?" she begged. "I don't want one if she can't have one too." I could feel the tug of her request. My heart leaped with joy. Thank you, I whispered in seeing their closeness.
"Sure, you can each pick one," I said happily.
"Yeah," I heard them say as they scampered ahead of me into the store. "Well what do you think of that," I said to myself. "You know, I think I'll buy one today too." What joy it is to celebrate special parenting moments!
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More About Pink Shoes
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Pink Shoes. Oh what a story they tell!
I bought those little pink shoes a long time ago in Ukraine. I remember the day very well. I had just visited a little girl in the orphanage outside of Kiev. After seeing her my Ukraine facilitator asked if I would want to go buy some clothes, shoes, etc in preparation for bring her home. So with great excitement I went to shop after shop buying a going-home outfit. The moment I saw these shoes in the store window I knew they were perfect for this little one. With high hopes I took all my purchases home and spread them out on the bed in my apartment never knowing that in a few hours the adoption would fall through.
The next day when I was told that I would not be able to adopt this little girl my heart was heavy with grief. A few days later I packed up all my belongings including these little clothes and the pink shoes and returned to the US. At home as I recovered from the loss and disappointment just looking at these shoes brought tears of disappointment to me.
But a few months later I was traveling to Russia with. you guessed it..those same shoes. When I first placed them on my little Jenny's feet I marveled at their fit. They were perfect. God had known all along who would wear these shoes.
Time has passed but the story of the shoes still speaks to me. Never give up. No matter how disappointed you might feel. God is always up to something planning and preparing us for His next step.
How true it is "Nothing is impossible to those who believe."
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