Questions
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Although it is changing society has a difficult time dealing with adoption in general.
Many people mean well but they are uneducated about adoption. I had only been home from Russia a few days with my seven month old daughter when I decided to take her to visit a neighbor down the street. Unfortunately an out of town relative was at the house and as I introduced my little girl he began scowling and asking questions.
"Why did you adopt from out of the country? Aren't there any children in America that you could adopt?" His look of disapproval was obvious as he gazed at my baby.
Initially I was surprised by his negative words. But I quickly realized that rather than debate the pros and cons of international adoption it was wiser to simply emphasize the special place she now had in our family. Any further discussion could take place at another time. In the many other conversations which have followed that day I have continued to affirm the role of my adopted daughter in my family.
Most questions can be handled by asking:
•· Is this information I want to discuss with anyone?
•· Do I want to wait to discuss this with the person?
•· Do I want to discuss it now?
It's important for parents to not give out information that they have not first shared with their child. The decision to share information about a child's background or reasons for adoption belongs to their adopted child.
So if you ever get caught off guard try one of these approaches.
•· Humor
•· Deferring (please call me at home)
•· Deflecting the question (Why do you want to know?)
Children need to be empowered to handle questions about their adoption status. We will discuss that next time.
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Single Parenting and Toddler Adoption
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Single parenting is challenging with a child of any age. All too often singles think that raising a toddler will be easier than an infant. In fact though a toddler may well be much more demanding but in different ways. Although I had had an easy experience parenting my first daughter who I adopted as an infant, my second daughter who was two by the time I brought her home, challenged me deeply. Extended family and a circle of friends helped in many ways but there were still times when my energy reserves were depleted. But it was worth it all. Today she is a beautiful, confident eight year old.
Remember toddlers are developmentally trying to become independent. With a strong self focus they frequently resist parental limits. A child who is adopted as a toddler is not only dealing with normal developmental stages but is also grieving. Many days my daughter would go along with what was expected of her but then without warning she could lapse into an angry outburst challenging all limits. Any efforts to reason with her were met with resistance. She wanted her way no matter what. Lap times were essential as well as firm, consistent limits.
Single parents need some time away from parenting to reenergize andand refocus. Some toddlers can be so demanding that the parent also needs help. If that is your story please consider talking with an adoption coach who is familiar not only with adopted children but also the challenges of parenting them. Problems can often be turned around if faced directly. You deserve that and so does your child.
Finally, if you are a single parent be encouraged today. Don't hesitate to ask for help. You are worth it!
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More Steps To Easing the Transition
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
vThere are two more steps to easing the transition during that first year.
Along with playing with your child, talking together and gently dealing with negative behavior, it is also important for you as a parent to practice good self-care. Make sure that you get enough sleep, good food and exercise. Little ones who have been moved and/or neglected tend to be irritable, fussy and hard to soothe. Parents use their own patience to regulate their moods to help calm their child. Your own emotional stability will help to stabilize your child's moods. A parent who is tired, anxious or depressed cannot give a child an adequate source of emotional regulation.
If you see your moods slipping even with good self care, get some counseling and /or use an antidepressant. It is too hard to do this nurturing parenting while being depressed. Take time for sleep, good meals and exercise. Exercise your spiritual resources through prayer and Bible study.
Finally, find an adoption coach. This person needs to be someone who is positive and trained in meeting the developmental needs of adopted children. The coaching relationship will provide not only that sense of nurture for the parent but also skills and information at different stages of the adoption journey. Parents need someone who will care for them. Join a support group. Meet with other adopted parents in your church.
By the end of the first year your adopted child should be seeking out his/her parents for affection and play. They should prefer being with their parents. They should show excitement about their time together. In secure attachment a hurting child will calm with the parent and accept soothing. All too often trauma and grief hinder attachment and the child will display signs of trauma such as night terrors, extreme mood swings, biting, freezing, etc. If you notice these signs seek out a mental health counselor who is familiar with issues of attachment to help your child.
May you continue to experience peace and joy in your parenting wherever you are on the journey.
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More on Finally Home
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
During that first year of transition parents can do many things to ease the impact and help make it a great year. Along with beginning to build a trusting relationship by giving extra nurturing it is important to play with your child.
Many children who are adopted later in infancy or childhood have missed the joys of play. So intentionally set aside at least 20 minutes a day just to play with your child. If your child can already keep playing. Play cements relationships. Having fun as a family builds self-esteem. If your child is reluctant to play gradually stretch him by taking little steps.
Another step in easing the transition is to talk together. Parents often use an exaggerated voice tone to emphasize important concepts with babies. Continue to cheerlead your newly adopted child using this brighter emotional tone as he works to understand your shared world. Patiently explain things to him. Freely use fingers and gestures to point out important things. Allow yourself to describe things as you would to an infant. Talk. Talk. Talk about everything.
Finally, it is important to gently but firmly deal with negative behavior. It is best to stay within arms' reach of your newly adopted child intentionally directing their arms, hands, bodies, etc. to where you want them to go. Firmly stop hitting, kicking or hurting. Teach them boundaries of respect from the beginning.
We will discuss two more important steps to easing the transition the next time. Please feel free to share your thoughts and comments. I look forward to hearing them.
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