The Adopted Child and Loss
Saturday, August 30, 2008
As we raise our adopted children from time to time we might realize their uniqueness. Wonderful as adoption is, it happens as a result of loss. Our children have experienced, whether they remember it or not, loss. And although healing occurs in their life the pain of loss might resurface from time to time. Such was our experience today.
Early this morning we received a call that the seventeen year old daughter of friends of ours had been killed in a car accident. My girls and I were shocked and saddened by the news. We are still trying to accept that painful news and our prayers reach out to all the family and friends. But I saw firsthand for myself again how very sensitive my two girls are to loss. It is a gift but also a vulnerability which they have.
Years ago a few months after I had adopted my youngest we spent the night at a nearby motel. Jenny was a little over 3 year old. As we were watching the movie Spirit all of a sudden she broke forth in wails and deep sobs. At first I had no idea what was going on but then as I observed the story I saw that the young horse had just been separated from its mother. And even though we kept reassuring Jenny that the horses would be reunited in the end she was inconsolable. The pain of loss is excruciating!
So once more we are dealing with loss in our home. The pain which for most would already be difficult can be even more so for an adopted child. Knowing that, I am able to give them the opportunity to process feelings that are beyond words. I can also point them to their loving Father. Our loving Father knows all about our pain and He will heal our hearts as we turn to Him. That makes all the difference. The comfort that we draw upon is an eternal comfort. He continues to pour out His Peace that passeth all understanding. Have you discovered that too? May your day be filled with His Peace and His Eternal comfort.
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Helping You With Adoption Decisions
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
When I first began to explore adoption in 1993 I was amazed by its complexity. It seemed the more I read the more I saw that I needed to know. Today it is even more complex. But with the complexity there is a wealth of information available in the form of books, websites, articles, forums etc.
I'm always interested in reading about adoption as you would see if you scanned my bookshelves. Recently I discovered The Adoption Decision which was so interesting that I had to read it from cover to cover in one sitting. Laura Christianson writes with a wealth of knowledge about adoption including not only her own experience with adoption but also the experiences of others. Her writing style is easy to read and informative. If you have not read this book be sure to put it on your must read list.
I particularly enjoyed the chapter titled "Adoption Miscarriage" having experience my own adoption loss a few years ago in Ukraine. Words can not begin to language how very difficult that was not only for me but also for my oldest daughter who was waiting with anticipation for me to bring home her little sister. Christianson discusses not only the risky business of adoption in realistic terms but also the process of healing and hope.This one chapter alone is worth the price of the book.
Now today let's have some fun. I am giving away for free a signed copy of The Adoption Decision to the first person who sends a comment today. Get those comments coming. This book is a winner!
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Educating Your Adopted Child
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
It's that time of year again! School supplies line the store shelves. Yellow school buses are getting ready. Teachers are meeting. Excitement is in the year. After teaching in the elementary school for over twenty years, I still feel the thrill of a new school year.
But for many of our children including those who have been adopted school does not bring thoughts of challenge and success. Instead just the mention of school brings on waves of emotional upset as a result of previous experiences and frustration.
So how are you educating your adopted child this year? Public? Private? Homeschooling? What is the best way? In truth there is no best way to educate your child. The key is to know your child and to educate him in an environment where he will thrive.
Our family has experienced all of these choices. For some years, we had only one option and that was to use the public school system. The teachers are skilled and the school was close to our home. Both of my girls did well in their years of being educated at the public school. My oldest daughter also went to a private school for four years. There she had a smaller number of students in her class and more individualized help which enhanced her learning. She also made many friends as the whole class moved together to the new grade together.
When my oldest child faced the middle school years and private school was no longer an option we decided to try homeschooling. We agreed to do it for one year with the goal that we both enjoy the year. That one year became four years and we still are enjoying homeschooling. Matter of fact my youngest begged to be homeschooled this year too. It works for well for us giving us time to be together, flexibility and the ability to instill an appreciation for learning. Yes, even though I work full time as a licensed counselor and coach I am still able to homeschool my two daughters in 3rd and 10th grade.
So how will you be educating your adopted child this year? Know your child and choose what works best for them.
Stay tuned for next weeks blog when we will offer Laura Christianson's book "The Adoption Decision" for free to the first one to leave a comment. It might just be you!
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Meeting the Needs of the Adopted Child
Thursday, August 7, 2008
"What can I do?" I often wonder. The needs are so great. There are so many children waiting to be adopted. What can I as one single woman do? The answer continues to ring within my soul. Do what you can?
"What can I do?" many adoptive parents say. Although they love their adopted child they often feel beyond their strength and ability to cope. The answer is still the same. Do what you can?
It is all too easy to focus on what you can't do. You can't change the past particularly what your child experienced. You can't change the genes. No, that is set in place. You can't change ....Well the list can go on and on. And as the list grows the fears and worries of not being able to cope mount too.
So, let's change the focus. What can you do? You can begin to accept what you cannot change. You can begin to change what you can. Like what, you might be asking. Well, you can increase your support system. You can increase your resources with the help of doctors, counselors and coaches who have expertise with adopted children. You can get more information on the issues you are dealing with. You can increase focused attention on your adopted child. You can learn some skills in building a healthy family which is focused on the needs of your adopted child and the other members. Yes, you can.
Wow, something happens the more one's attitude becomes positive and solution focused. It is as if one gets in alignment with the Answer and things begin to change. I remember the mother who was simply at her wits end trying to manage the anger of her 3 year old who had been adopted a few months before and the needs of her older sibling whose family system had changed. As soon as this mother took intentional steps to become solution focused things began to slowly change.
Yes, I remember because that mother was me. It all began with a change in my heart and mind but it changed everything. So, what can you do? Do what you can!!
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