A Simple Word
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Children are so important. It is just too easy to ignore their needs and push them aside.
And although some children are demanding and make sure that someone gives them attention, too many just want to please their parents and will go along for years not sharing their hearts.
My two children have recently experience the loss of their beloved grandmother. They ache when they smell lavender lotion which reminds them of Nana. They constantly talk about Fridays with Nana when we would all go out to lunch. Years ago she would walk briskly into the restaurant. Then she began to use her cane and for the past few years I pushed her in the wheelchair. But no matter how we had to change it, Friday was lunch with Nana.
Children like routine. They love consistency and knowing what to expect. So what did they opt for this past Friday? You are right. Lunch with Papa. With all the gusto that kids can muster they quickly made those Five Guy burgers and fries disappear. Laughter filled the room. Peace was on their faces.
So what was the word? Maybe it was one or two well chosen words and times when I asked each one of them “How are you?” And I meant it. For that moment I put aside my own hurt and loss and attended to them. I listened as they shared their sadness. I cared.
How thankful I am to know the importance of tending the heart of a child. Just letting children know that you care makes all the difference in their life and growth.
So make sure that you not only hug your child today but also listen to their hearts. Point them to the One Who will always be there for them. Be the reassurance and peace they need. In so doing your own hurts will begin to heal too. Remember the power of a simple word.
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Helping Adopted Children Grieve
Monday, April 20, 2009
Adopted children have already experienced loss in their lives. So when they encountered a new loss they need even more help to grieve and then move forward. There are things that parents can do to build a spirit of resilience in their children. It is important to talk with them about their grief and loss, help their children learn to cry and help them to find positive ways to express their feelings –physical activities, praying and crying.
- Talking with our children about their past and their sense of loss is so important. Listening to them share their feelings. Being there for them and growing in our understanding of them encourage them to share even more.
- Adopted children to not always know how to cry. My youngest is clearly asensitive girl. She did not know how to cry in the beginning. It took times ofshowing her my tears and talking about the importance of letting ourselves cryfor her to begin to let herself cry. Many times the environment where our children first lived not only did not encourage tears but also probably discouraged them.
- It’s also important for children to learn ways to express their feelings. Physical activities provide a healthy outlet for our children to work out their feelings. Teaching them to pray and express their hearts to their Heavenly Father Who cares for them soothes their aching souls. Journaling and drawing their feelings also are helpful activities which give adopted children a way to work out their grief.
No two children are the same. Get to know your child and help them to work through their grief. Children are amazing. Listen to them and in the process you too will learn. I always do.
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Parenting Through the Grief Process
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Our beloved Nana died last Tuesday, April 7, 2009. She, who had been such an important part of our lives, will always be missed. Dealing with my own grief as well as the pain of my two daughters has been a daily process which will continue for some time. God is faithfully carrying us through and in the midst of the pain there are still glimpses of joy.
Grief is messy. It hits you when you least expect it. With that in mind I'm taking extra time to spend with my daughters. Together we talk and cry and remember. All too often parents get caught up in their own loss and they fail to see the needs of their children. My girls have needed long talks on Mommy’s bed, extra patience and a relaxed pace.
I not only give them permission to cry but I also allow myself to cry with them. Research shows that what is not grieved out will come out in our bodies other ways. We have continued to laugh and take long walks. We have allowed others to support us as well.
The glimmers of joy surprise us. Sometimes it’s a kind note or a neighbor bringing by an apple pie. Sometimes it’s a thoughtful message left on our phone. Sometimes it’s a big hug or someone just choosing to ‘be there’. The joy fills out moments like sunshine flooding a dark room.
We will continue to open our lives to receive the joy that is there. We will focus on all that was gift in Nana’s life. Through these days we will become stronger and even more prepared to comfort others.
Life is gift. May we all hold our precious children tenderly knowing they all belong to Him, the author of Life.
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Spiritual care for Adopted Children
Sunday, April 5, 2009
The past eight weeks have been a difficult but also meaningful part of my journey. My sweet mom, dear Nana, went from the hospital back to her beloved home. There she graced our lives from the hospital bed. My daughters and I spent lots of time with her. and now
even as I am writing this
her life is coming to an end.
I have been learning a lot lately not only about this stage of life but also ways to help children grieve. More than ever I realize the importance of spiritual care for our children.
We are all different. Children are different not only in size and personality but in oh so many ways. My oldest daughter whom I adopted from Russia at 6 months old has a bright, social personality. During these difficult days, weeks and months it has been very important for her to continue to be with people. Activities with friends have helped her to keep focused on life. Without that her heart would have been ripped in pieces.
My youngest daughter is more introspective. She thinks deeply, ponders, slowly and enjoys quiet moments of reflection. She has spent time with me often coloring another picture or talking about the hurt of losing Nana. From the time I brought her home at two almost three years old she spent a lot of time with her grandparents. They showered her with love and affection.
Nana,although limited physically, entered Jenny’s world of homeschooling. Together they enjoyed Bible class and Arithmetic.
Yes, we have cried together and laughed together. Life will never be the same for us here. But God will provide for our every need. I have no doubt about that.
Throughout life, no matter what you are facing, make sure to meet the spiritual needs of your children. I will share more about this in my next blog.
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