Parenting: The Same or Different
Monday, August 24, 2009
Is parenting our adopted children the same or different than if these were our biological children?
This question has come up from time to time as I have coached or counseled parents raising children they have adopted. My answer is both.
Children are children. They grow and develop passing through specific developmental stages. They are all precious gifts of potentiality. Parenting is never easy but it is always rewarding. Sometimes you must get way beyond the struggle in order to even begin to glimpse the reward. But children are children. Most parents dearly love their children.
But parenting adopted children is also different than parenting biological children. Our children came to us as a result of loss. Even though the loss happened when they were very young it still happened. Our knowledge of their family history is scant or even missing. Decisions come up in which we just do not know the answers. For example, the other week I was at the eye doctor’s office with my oldest getting her contact lenses checked. We were given a sheet to update the medical background. My oldest watched as I went down the list marking ‘unknown’. I have no idea about whom if anyone might have had diabetes, cancer, heart problems, etc. That information is something my daughter will grow up never knowing.
Does this impact her? Certainly it does. For now, she accepts it all in stride. But I do not fool myself. It is just something we just can not change.Throughout their lives our adopted children will deal with various aspects of their being adopted. We parent them to accept and deal with their losses. We parent them to know their story and appreciate the wonder of it.
Let’s not minimize their struggles though. Allowing ourselves to get behind their eyes and see life from their vantage point enables us to parent with strength and confidence.
Whether you are parenting adopted or biological children they are yours to parent with wisdom and understanding. Listen to their hearts. As you do, you too will experience the wonder.
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Defeating Those Doubts
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Do you ever question if you made the right decision? As you parent your precious adopted child have you ever had any doubts?
Doubts may come. Questions may arise? The key is in how to handle them. Negative thoughts must be handled carefully and consistently by telling yourself the truth.
When I adopted the first time my daughter was easy and a joy to parent. God must have known that I needed that experience to prepare me for the future.Years of working with children of different ages gave me a strong foundation of skills so that my expectations as a parent were realistic.
But seven years later I adopted again. This time my two year old daughter challenged me from the beginning on everything. She was not only your typical toddler but was also a wounded child with a very painful background. She did not trust me. And everything became an issue.
This became stressful not only for me but also for my oldest daughter. Doubts? Sure I had doubts. In the middle of the night after struggling all day to maintain some sense of normalcy the doubts would come. Time after time I turned them into prayers seeking God’s wisdom and help. Night after night I fell asleep with the reassurance that the One Who had called me to adopt would never fail to provide all that I would need as a parent.
Today more than seven years later I look back on that time of testing with thanksgiving. God’s Truth holds us secure no matter what we are facing as parents. Following these three steps will always help to defeat nagging doubts:
· Turn your doubts into prayers
· Proclaim the truth that God will always provide.
· Surround yourself with strong support to help you through the tough times.
If you would like help parenting your adopted child, call 540-825-1134
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Changed Life
Monday, August 10, 2009
Warner Bros. new horror movie Orphan states that it must be hard to love an adopted child as much as your own. Although I grieves me that this message is being proclaimed, I want to share with you how two orphans changed me life.
It was summer 1993. I was trying to put my life together after going through an excruciating divorce. All my hopes and dreams had been shattered and I was without purpose and floundering. I began exploring adoption expecting that it would not work out. When it all came together for me in six months I was speechless with joy and yes, fear. Fear, that she would not be available once I got to Russia. Fear that I would not know how to parent her. Fear, that the words of others would be true.
But, in truth, this little gal who is now sixteen, has changed my life. She bubbles with sunshine and life. From the moment I saw her I knew again in a way that I cannot begin to language that God is real and that He knows our hearts. I knew in my heart that He would enable me to not only raise her but also to love her unconditionally.
The years have come and gone much too fast. My daughter is blooming into a beautiful young woman. Life is satisfying and full of adventure. I adopted another little girl. Her journey was more difficult. It isn’t always easy. Nothing is. But it is so good that I grieve when I hear messages spoken giving the wrong impression about orphans.
Many children wait today for someone to take a risk of love. Adoption isn’t for everyone but for those who do, they discover a remarkable truth. That God is the One Who not only fills our lives with children but also enables us to parent. Resources are available to support parents who have adopted.
Yes, two beautiful orphans changed my life. And I’m forever grateful. If God has put into your heart a desire for a child, please explore adoption.
You might very well be the Hope that a little one desperately needs.
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The First Step in Adopting
Sunday, August 2, 2009
It happened again this past week. I was looking over an adoption website and noticed a picture of the sweetest little girl. Her eyes called to me. So without thinking too much about it I emailed and asked for info about this child. Within record fast time I heard back. This precious 7 year old little girl is in
My heart tugged strangely. So I sent one more email asking the cost of an adoption in
So what is the first step? How does one fathom those early choices? I believe that it takes pondering God’s call. Why if God is in it, He will provide. No doubt about it. On the other hand when we get running too fast and race ahead of Him we can become financially irresponsible and foolish. That is not a help to anyone especially a child seeking the love and stability of a caring parent.
In the past and still today I have a group which I consider my board of directors. They know me well. They know my longing to mother orphans. They know how I live. They have walked with me over the years. So whenever I am even slightly tempted to race ahead I ask these trusted friends to pray with me and to honestly share their thoughts.
In both cases when I adopted my dear board of three prayed with me and gave their thumbs up. What reassurance that gave me. I needed that particularly as a single gal embarking on an international adoption. God uses them to speak encouragement and wisdom to me.
So what is your first step? As you ponder an adoption whether it’s your first or not, prayerfully seek God’s Will not just your own heart. Seek Godly counsel. Talk with a Christian Coach. Then begin to explore the idea. Ask the hard questions as you keep praying.
God wants you to know His Will. He wants to lead you. If I can help in anyway please call me at 540-825-1134.
That first step is not easy. I still think about dear little Ana who waits. How about you?
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