What Does a Failed Adoption Mean?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Years ago I experienced a failed adoption. I’m glad that I had already had a successful adoption in
Many people asked, “Now what?”
I answered again and again, “I don’t know.”
My eight year old asked, “Now what?”
I held her closely as we both cried and I whispered, “I don’t know.”
That failed adoption was extremely difficult. But a few years later I was traveling to
Failed Adoption does not mean never.
Failed Adoption does not mean wrong.
Failed adoption only means that that one was not meant to be.
Never give up. Never. Never
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The Next Step Is Up To You
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Time and time again parents are confronted with difficult moments with their children. The person who said that parenting is not for cowards had it right. We are stretched in our patience, challenged and almost teased with “What are you going to do about this?”
Parents of adopted children face this even more as a result of so many factors one of which is attachment difficulties.
Since healthy attachment to a caregiver is necessary for cognitive, emotional, social and behavioral development, individuals with RAD often experience difficulties in these areas. Problems in attachment have been shown to impact an individual’s ability to relate to others.
So what can a parent do if there is no specialist in attachment disorders in their area? Traditional counseling is often ineffective since it relies upon the establishment of a therapeutic relationship. No, in these cases the parents must become “experts” in addressing their child’s condition. Read about attachment disorders. Become involved with online support groups. And also be willing to try different parenting strategies.
Instead of explaining why your child should not do something, allow him/her to see the consequences of his behavior…for himself. Be focused on what you are looking for in your child rather than fixating on the undesirable behaviors. Instead of waiting to praise the attainment of a goal, look to reinforce the approximation of desirable behavior .. particularly the ones that involve social relatedness.
Look for every opportunity to model healthy social interactions for your child. Instead of trying to find a specialist to fix your child, find a counselor or coach whom you feel comfortable with. Get the support you need to provide guidance along the parenting journey. It will make all the difference.
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Bonding - One Memory At A Time
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Anyone involved with adoption is familiar with the emphasis on bonding. Adopted children frequently come to us with attachment issues. Parents are wise to not only be on the lookout for these issues but also to intentionally parent with establishing a healthy bond in mind.
In our day and age of microwave fixes it is too easy to buy a book about bonding, do a few things and assume that all is corrected. Unfortunately a child with bonding issues is not easily fixed. It takes time and treatment to heal that wound. In addition parents who struggle with their own attachment issues as a result of poor parenting will need help themselves to develop a healthy bond.
Knowing this we must not only get professional help from someone with experience in adoption issues. We must also relax and develop a realistic perspective. This will take time. It takes many, many bonding moments to develop a healthy parent child bond.
So what can you do? Continue to create those meaningful bonding moments. And if you have any questions please call me at 540-825-1134. A healthy bond reaps rich dividends.
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A Look in the Mirror
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Parenting has never been easy. Parenting today is a challenge. Parenting our adopted children can stretch and twist us in many different directions. But no matter how difficult the season, no matter how painful those anxious moments, or long the sleepless nights – I would rather be my daughters’ mother than not.
Life is filled with stressful moments. Life today can be overwhelming and just plain difficult. Life is confusing and sometimes chaotic. What is the impact of all this confusion on you? How does it affect your parenting? All too often it causes a parent to become even more irritable and impatient. In a relationship the emotions of one can easily trigger the emotions of another and vice versa.
So what do you do? There are three simple steps which if taken can prevent a parent’s stress from spilling over to their child.
- Be self aware
If you know that you have had a hard day it is not the time for serious, emotionally laden discussions. Delay until you are feeling better. Look in the mirror and decrease your stress first.
- Make time to play
It is all too easy to become serious and problem focused. Take steps to lighten the mood by incorporating humor and comedy. Set realistic expectations and above all laugh some.
- Take care of yourself first
Get support through a coach who understands your issues. Take steps to decrease your stress and simplify your life. Like sharpening a pencil, parents must take the time to sharpen their own skills first. By taking these steps parenting becomes much more effective and enjoyable.
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Little Things are Big
Monday, January 4, 2010
I find that it’s those countless little things which are really big. In the long run they work together to create a family which not only works well together but also contributes to its community and world.
You don’t have to have lots of time. As a single parent with my own private counseling practice I must juggle carefully my commitments. I am never able to do all that I would wish with my daughters but somehow God multiplies the minutes and what we have is not only working well but it is something very precious to experience.
Little things? It’s the moments talking together while we wash the dishes by hand. It’s those spontaneous discussions around the dining room table while eat. It’s those moments of laughing together while snuggled in one bedroom watching old I Love Lucy reruns while it is freezing outside. These are some of the things which bond my two daughters and I together. Countless good memories.
Life happens very quickly. Society pulls families apart. I encourage you to think carefully about how your family is spending time and energy. Is it what you are doing building relationships or robbing you of precious time together? Five years from now will it matter how you are spending today?
Building a sense of family takes time. It doesn’t happen automatically. But it is worth it.
Yes, like anything else. It’s those little things which make a big difference.
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