Building Positive Bonds
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
When I returned from Russia with my little two year old daughter, my ten year old daughter experienced very conflicting emotions. Although on the one hand she was excited at finally having a little sister, on the other hand she felt threatened and insecure. Being an only child for ten years was a place she loved in my life. And to begin to learn to share me with another was not something she wanted to attempt. Quickly our home changed from a place of love and laughter to a battlefield filled with angry word and loud cries.
I was torn between the needs of each child. I prayed for wisdom asking for help in understanding each child so that I could help them to build a forever sister bond. I began to focus on the strengths I saw in each of their personalities and I looked for opportunities to speak of them to each other. "She's such a good big sister," I'd say to my youngest encouraging her to listen to and appreciate her big sister. "She's so sweet when she speaks of you," I'd mention to my oldest daughter. "She wants to be just like you." Again and again I would make a point to highlight the strengths of each of my daughters to the other.
It didn't happen immediately. No, for days and weeks it looked like nothing was changing. But gradually I began to see a difference in how they saw each other. Slowly they began to see each other not as one with whom to compete but as a fellow team member. Our family is still a work in process but the impact of speaking positively to and about each other is lasting and noticeable. I'm now experiencing the results of weeks and months of talking up each others strengths. What a joy it is to see!
Yesterday I stopped at the local market for coffee before going in to work. Both girls were with me. I looked down at my youngest daughter whom I'd soon be leaving with her grandparents. I knew that she'd enjoyed her time with them but I'd miss being with her.
"Honey, you can choose one candy bar today," I said as we walked towards the store. That was something I rarely do but something seemed to prompt me from within. She looked up at me and her face broke into a huge smile. Then her eyes moved to her big sister.
"Can she get one too?" she begged. "I don't want one if she can't have one too." I could feel the tug of her request. My heart leaped with joy. Thank you, I whispered in seeing their closeness.
"Sure, you can each pick one," I said happily.
"Yeah," I heard them say as they scampered ahead of me into the store. "Well what do you think of that," I said to myself. "You know, I think I'll buy one today too." What joy it is to celebrate special parenting moments!
Posted in Adoption | No Comments
Reply to this Post: