No Longer An Orphan
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
It was an ordinary day. My youngest daughter and I had gone to the local store for our weekly shopping. We both enjoyed these occasions to not only be together but also to experience the fun of buying food
We had just turned up another aisle when I heard her voice beside me.
“Mommy, can we get some oranges?”
I looked at the oranges and then at her as she gazed down on the huge bin of perfectly shaped oranges.
“Sure honey,” I answered as I remembered a time more than seven years ago in an orphanage far across the
It was Christmas time. All the children in the Russian orphanage were excited about receiving their gift. One orange. It was a special treat for them living in a place where fresh fruit was a delicacy.
‘Oh sure honey,’ the spirit within me cried out. ‘Take as many oranges as you want. You are no longer an orphan. You are my child.’
My daughter no longer remembers that time in the orphanage. But I do.
There are moments I experienced back then that I will always treasure in my heart.
No longer an orphan.
Adoption has changed everything for my daughter. She not only has my last name, and a family and as many oranges as her little heart wants but she also has a future and a faith in the One Who holds her in His Hand.
Some children continue to live like orphans years after they have been adopted. The healing process of becoming adopted on the inside takes time and work and a lot of love. Parenting those who are still struggling to accept that they are no longer orphans is not always easy. But it is well worth all the efforts. Matter of fact, you have no idea how great a difference you are making.
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Talks Around the Table
Monday, February 22, 2010
When I was growing up one of the highlights of my day was the talks we would have around the dinner table. Whether it was school, politics or a current issue we would banter freely back and forth.
Today our talks around the table also are current topics of the day. Sometimes I enjoy presenting an adversarial opinion just to see how my girls will respond and to teach them to speak with knowledge. Oftentimes someone runs off for the dictionary or encyclopedia or the Bible to support their thoughts or opinions. Our table talks are invigorating and stretching. As a parent I learn so much from my kids. As a parent I’m challenged to keep teaching them Truth in a world of change.
Do you still make time to eat together as a family? Do you discuss matters together allowing free flowing discussions? Healthy families enjoy spending time together and one of the easiest ways to make time is around the table.
“Tell me how I’m doing as your Mom,” I ask from time to time. I need the feedback of my children. I listen to it and allow their words to matter. They also receive feedback always emphasizing strengths and growing edges. Everyone needs a pat on the back from time to time.
Yes, I encourage you to make time to talk around the table. Words spoken around our table will be remembered far beyond my lifetime.
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A Time To Celebrate
Thursday, February 11, 2010
On Sunday, Valentine’s Day, my youngest daughter will turn ten. It is hard to believe. Where have those seven years gone? I remember well that day on February 8, 2000 when we arrived home from
Yes, my dimpled charmer, will soon be ten. She has experienced so much in her short life. For the first few months she used to awaken at night screaming in terror. She battled so many fears one of which was the fear that someone would come to snatch her away. I held her in my arms for hours trying to reassure her that she was home but it took a long time for her to rest in that assurance. Policemen scared her. Loud sounds scared her. And thoughts of being taken away from Mommy scared her.
Many problems adopted children experience have nothing to do with being adopted. For example a shy child who struggles in school isn’t necessarily experiencing an adoption issue. But a child recently adopted who screams out in the night is experiencing an adoption issues.
Sometimes parents who have adopted are so thrilled to have their adopted child that they fail to discipline a child. But if any parent lets a child rule the household that parent is in for big trouble. Parents need to discipline their child appropriately always working to communicate expectations and love.
So it is important as parents to recognize what is a problem and whether it is related to adoption or not. What do you do if you think your child has a problem related to their adoption? Speak with your family doctor or pediatrician. Consult with a counselor or coach familiar with adoption issues. I can be reached at 540-825-1134.
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What Does a Failed Adoption Mean?
Monday, January 25, 2010
Years ago I experienced a failed adoption. I’m glad that I had already had a successful adoption in
Many people asked, “Now what?”
I answered again and again, “I don’t know.”
My eight year old asked, “Now what?”
I held her closely as we both cried and I whispered, “I don’t know.”
That failed adoption was extremely difficult. But a few years later I was traveling to
Failed Adoption does not mean never.
Failed Adoption does not mean wrong.
Failed adoption only means that that one was not meant to be.
Never give up. Never. Never
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The Next Step Is Up To You
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Time and time again parents are confronted with difficult moments with their children. The person who said that parenting is not for cowards had it right. We are stretched in our patience, challenged and almost teased with “What are you going to do about this?”
Parents of adopted children face this even more as a result of so many factors one of which is attachment difficulties.
Since healthy attachment to a caregiver is necessary for cognitive, emotional, social and behavioral development, individuals with RAD often experience difficulties in these areas. Problems in attachment have been shown to impact an individual’s ability to relate to others.
So what can a parent do if there is no specialist in attachment disorders in their area? Traditional counseling is often ineffective since it relies upon the establishment of a therapeutic relationship. No, in these cases the parents must become “experts” in addressing their child’s condition. Read about attachment disorders. Become involved with online support groups. And also be willing to try different parenting strategies.
Instead of explaining why your child should not do something, allow him/her to see the consequences of his behavior…for himself. Be focused on what you are looking for in your child rather than fixating on the undesirable behaviors. Instead of waiting to praise the attainment of a goal, look to reinforce the approximation of desirable behavior .. particularly the ones that involve social relatedness.
Look for every opportunity to model healthy social interactions for your child. Instead of trying to find a specialist to fix your child, find a counselor or coach whom you feel comfortable with. Get the support you need to provide guidance along the parenting journey. It will make all the difference.
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Bonding - One Memory At A Time
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Anyone involved with adoption is familiar with the emphasis on bonding. Adopted children frequently come to us with attachment issues. Parents are wise to not only be on the lookout for these issues but also to intentionally parent with establishing a healthy bond in mind.
In our day and age of microwave fixes it is too easy to buy a book about bonding, do a few things and assume that all is corrected. Unfortunately a child with bonding issues is not easily fixed. It takes time and treatment to heal that wound. In addition parents who struggle with their own attachment issues as a result of poor parenting will need help themselves to develop a healthy bond.
Knowing this we must not only get professional help from someone with experience in adoption issues. We must also relax and develop a realistic perspective. This will take time. It takes many, many bonding moments to develop a healthy parent child bond.
So what can you do? Continue to create those meaningful bonding moments. And if you have any questions please call me at 540-825-1134. A healthy bond reaps rich dividends.
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A Look in the Mirror
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Parenting has never been easy. Parenting today is a challenge. Parenting our adopted children can stretch and twist us in many different directions. But no matter how difficult the season, no matter how painful those anxious moments, or long the sleepless nights – I would rather be my daughters’ mother than not.
Life is filled with stressful moments. Life today can be overwhelming and just plain difficult. Life is confusing and sometimes chaotic. What is the impact of all this confusion on you? How does it affect your parenting? All too often it causes a parent to become even more irritable and impatient. In a relationship the emotions of one can easily trigger the emotions of another and vice versa.
So what do you do? There are three simple steps which if taken can prevent a parent’s stress from spilling over to their child.
- Be self aware
If you know that you have had a hard day it is not the time for serious, emotionally laden discussions. Delay until you are feeling better. Look in the mirror and decrease your stress first.
- Make time to play
It is all too easy to become serious and problem focused. Take steps to lighten the mood by incorporating humor and comedy. Set realistic expectations and above all laugh some.
- Take care of yourself first
Get support through a coach who understands your issues. Take steps to decrease your stress and simplify your life. Like sharpening a pencil, parents must take the time to sharpen their own skills first. By taking these steps parenting becomes much more effective and enjoyable.
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Little Things are Big
Monday, January 4, 2010
I find that it’s those countless little things which are really big. In the long run they work together to create a family which not only works well together but also contributes to its community and world.
You don’t have to have lots of time. As a single parent with my own private counseling practice I must juggle carefully my commitments. I am never able to do all that I would wish with my daughters but somehow God multiplies the minutes and what we have is not only working well but it is something very precious to experience.
Little things? It’s the moments talking together while we wash the dishes by hand. It’s those spontaneous discussions around the dining room table while eat. It’s those moments of laughing together while snuggled in one bedroom watching old I Love Lucy reruns while it is freezing outside. These are some of the things which bond my two daughters and I together. Countless good memories.
Life happens very quickly. Society pulls families apart. I encourage you to think carefully about how your family is spending time and energy. Is it what you are doing building relationships or robbing you of precious time together? Five years from now will it matter how you are spending today?
Building a sense of family takes time. It doesn’t happen automatically. But it is worth it.
Yes, like anything else. It’s those little things which make a big difference.
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Sometimes the Simplest is the Best.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Well tomorrow is we are celebrating the adoption of two very special girls. I find myself remembering the adoption experience. The long wait. The nervousness. The endless ‘what ifs’ that kept tormenting me. My life has been enriched beyond measure by these two girls. God knew that I needed them.
From time to time people say “Oh how lucky you are to have been adopted.” But luck had nothing to do with it. It was a gift of God. A gift of love which has changed my life, their lives and many others. At this time of the year I usually receive Christmas cards from other parents who also adopted a child from
So what would you like to do? I asked a few days ago. Go out to eat? Have an Open House?
“Just to have you cook a special meal,” they both said at once giggling.
So I will. We will celebrate the gift of their lives.
Yes, sometimes simple is the best. We will be at home.
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Adoption Day
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Adoption has permeated each Christmas season since the year when I adopted my oldest from
Beginning our second Christmas together we celebrated Adoption Day. Although she was only 1 ½ and didn’t realize the reason, I can still see her toddling happily from person to person on that first Open House. Some years we celebrated with a special meal. Other years we had a few friends and family over. But whatever we did she and I knew that it was her Adoption Day. It was a golden day in the year.
Then in 2003 when I brought home my second daughter Adoption Day became a shared event. We still celebrated the wonder of the fact that we were family because of their adoptions but now it was for two. More laughter. More cheers. And more memories. Even though the cake disappears faster these days the joy is the same. No matter how my daughters grow I don’t want them ever to forget that I am forever grateful for them.
Life is meant to be celebrated, don’t you think? Red letter days must never be forgotten. Maybe you don’t have an Adoption Day to celebrate in your family but don’t forget to celebrate. Life can get busy. Things continue to change. But one thing stays the same. We are celebrating Adoption Day soon. I’m so glad. Now I must go order that cake.
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