No Longer An Orphan
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
It was an ordinary day. My youngest daughter and I had gone to the local store for our weekly shopping. We both enjoyed these occasions to not only be together but also to experience the fun of buying food
We had just turned up another aisle when I heard her voice beside me.
“Mommy, can we get some oranges?”
I looked at the oranges and then at her as she gazed down on the huge bin of perfectly shaped oranges.
“Sure honey,” I answered as I remembered a time more than seven years ago in an orphanage far across the
It was Christmas time. All the children in the Russian orphanage were excited about receiving their gift. One orange. It was a special treat for them living in a place where fresh fruit was a delicacy.
‘Oh sure honey,’ the spirit within me cried out. ‘Take as many oranges as you want. You are no longer an orphan. You are my child.’
My daughter no longer remembers that time in the orphanage. But I do.
There are moments I experienced back then that I will always treasure in my heart.
No longer an orphan.
Adoption has changed everything for my daughter. She not only has my last name, and a family and as many oranges as her little heart wants but she also has a future and a faith in the One Who holds her in His Hand.
Some children continue to live like orphans years after they have been adopted. The healing process of becoming adopted on the inside takes time and work and a lot of love. Parenting those who are still struggling to accept that they are no longer orphans is not always easy. But it is well worth all the efforts. Matter of fact, you have no idea how great a difference you are making.
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A Look in the Mirror
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Parenting has never been easy. Parenting today is a challenge. Parenting our adopted children can stretch and twist us in many different directions. But no matter how difficult the season, no matter how painful those anxious moments, or long the sleepless nights – I would rather be my daughters’ mother than not.
Life is filled with stressful moments. Life today can be overwhelming and just plain difficult. Life is confusing and sometimes chaotic. What is the impact of all this confusion on you? How does it affect your parenting? All too often it causes a parent to become even more irritable and impatient. In a relationship the emotions of one can easily trigger the emotions of another and vice versa.
So what do you do? There are three simple steps which if taken can prevent a parent’s stress from spilling over to their child.
- Be self aware
If you know that you have had a hard day it is not the time for serious, emotionally laden discussions. Delay until you are feeling better. Look in the mirror and decrease your stress first.
- Make time to play
It is all too easy to become serious and problem focused. Take steps to lighten the mood by incorporating humor and comedy. Set realistic expectations and above all laugh some.
- Take care of yourself first
Get support through a coach who understands your issues. Take steps to decrease your stress and simplify your life. Like sharpening a pencil, parents must take the time to sharpen their own skills first. By taking these steps parenting becomes much more effective and enjoyable.
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Little Things are Big
Monday, January 4, 2010
I find that it’s those countless little things which are really big. In the long run they work together to create a family which not only works well together but also contributes to its community and world.
You don’t have to have lots of time. As a single parent with my own private counseling practice I must juggle carefully my commitments. I am never able to do all that I would wish with my daughters but somehow God multiplies the minutes and what we have is not only working well but it is something very precious to experience.
Little things? It’s the moments talking together while we wash the dishes by hand. It’s those spontaneous discussions around the dining room table while eat. It’s those moments of laughing together while snuggled in one bedroom watching old I Love Lucy reruns while it is freezing outside. These are some of the things which bond my two daughters and I together. Countless good memories.
Life happens very quickly. Society pulls families apart. I encourage you to think carefully about how your family is spending time and energy. Is it what you are doing building relationships or robbing you of precious time together? Five years from now will it matter how you are spending today?
Building a sense of family takes time. It doesn’t happen automatically. But it is worth it.
Yes, like anything else. It’s those little things which make a big difference.
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A Time to Resolve
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Well it’s that time again when you hear about resolutions and goals. I’ve been asked from time to time if I set goals. Yes, I do. Each year I spend some time alone to evaluate the previous year and then focus on what is important for the coming year. I set a number of different goals and among them are my personal parenting goals and then a few family goals.
Goals give me a vision and a sense of direction. I make them specific and measurable. Some goals are for one year and other goals span the course of many years. It is all too easy to get discouraged if you don’t reach a goal and just give up. I tend to set a realistic goal and then am usually pleased if I surpass it.
For example, it is important to be intentional about your parenting. This is nothing to take lightly or settle for being passive. The parenting years fly by quickly and before you know it you are helping them leave the nest to make their way in the world. There is much to teach our children during those short formative years. Setting goals helps to keep you on track with an eye towards preparing your children for the future. Spiritual goals, physical goals, educational goals-these and more are some possibilities.
All goals need to be made as we wait upon the Lord. He knows what our children need even more than we do. Listening to the Lord in the quiet gives one an awareness of His Will and Path. As we seek Him He will draw near to us.
Some of our goals for the coming year are still being tossed back and forth. Others we already know-for instance making more time to pray together as a family and planning to be involved in ministry.
Don’t miss this time to begin again and to stretch your family in new directions.
So what are your goals for the coming year? Get everyone involved. Listen and then write them down. Place those goals in a place where you can read them throughout the year. Make this year a year filled with promise and hope in your family.
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Adoption Day
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Adoption has permeated each Christmas season since the year when I adopted my oldest from
Beginning our second Christmas together we celebrated Adoption Day. Although she was only 1 ½ and didn’t realize the reason, I can still see her toddling happily from person to person on that first Open House. Some years we celebrated with a special meal. Other years we had a few friends and family over. But whatever we did she and I knew that it was her Adoption Day. It was a golden day in the year.
Then in 2003 when I brought home my second daughter Adoption Day became a shared event. We still celebrated the wonder of the fact that we were family because of their adoptions but now it was for two. More laughter. More cheers. And more memories. Even though the cake disappears faster these days the joy is the same. No matter how my daughters grow I don’t want them ever to forget that I am forever grateful for them.
Life is meant to be celebrated, don’t you think? Red letter days must never be forgotten. Maybe you don’t have an Adoption Day to celebrate in your family but don’t forget to celebrate. Life can get busy. Things continue to change. But one thing stays the same. We are celebrating Adoption Day soon. I’m so glad. Now I must go order that cake.
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It's No Small Thing
Saturday, November 28, 2009
It’s so good to be back writing my blog. I have missed it. November was spent writing a 50,000 word novel in a month. The fiction I wrote, The Night the Angels Sang, is in rough form. But one day, maybe sooner than I think, it will be in print. It recounts the adoption story of a single young woman who is desperate to experience God’s intimate love for her.
This Thanksgiving we did something a little different. About a week before the day I asked my girls what they thought about each of us writing letters of thanks to the others. They both agreed that they would like to do this. Well the week flew like most weeks. Only my youngest had her letters done hidden behind the pilgrims on the hutch in the dining room. I curled up on a chair and began to write. Before I knew it those salty tears began to trickle down my cheeks. Tears of joy. Tears of thanksgiving. Tears of wonder that God should choose me to be their mother. I sealed each letter with a prayer and a kiss that God would use it to not only encourage them but also show them the heart of their mother.
Well shortly before we sat down to our Thanksgiving meal we exchanged our letters. As I read my two I felt like I was standing on holy ground. In simple heartfelt words my girls expressed their hearts. I will always cherish those two letters. I watched as they each read their letters. We did not read them outloud. No they were meant just for the receiver. But I could tell by the looks in their eyes that those letters touched their hearts like they did mine.
It seemed like such a small thing to write a letter of thanks. But for us it was a very big thing. Those treasured pieces of paper are hidden away for now. But I know that in the months and years ahead they will be reread many times.
What did you do this Thanksgiving? May each day be one more opportunity to build forever bonds of love.
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The Call to Adopt
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The call to adopt is much more than getting a child. It not only involves that particular child, parenting them through life but also hearing the cries of the other orphans. More than eight trips to orphanages has imprinted the need of orphans on my heart. Yes, it’s left many, many heartprints.
I remember well my first trip into the orphanage at
And then the time came. It was Christmas Eve. The other adoptive parents and I celebrated with a small, straggly Christmas tree thanks to our Russian friends. Many of us had left family members at home in order to complete the adoption process. I thought about them on the other side of the world. I had eaten well. Russian borscht and bread. I watched the clock longing for the time to pass quickly so that I could get my little daughter. The plan was that at midnight we would quietly leave with our precious newly adopted children. At long last the hour arrived. My heart beat with excitement as I was led to the nursery that night. They brought her to me sleepy and so beautiful.
I dressed her quickly and very quietly so as not to disturb her. Then the signal was given. The door was opened and we walked out into the Russian winter. Cold winds blew against my face as I walked sheltering my little six month old baby girl. At that moment I looked up into the night sky. Snowflakes were falling all around me. It was Christmas. And in my arms I carried the greatest gift. My child. I’ll never forget that moment.
But while my heart was so uplifted that night almost seventeen years ago, other little children slept. They still waited for someone to come and get them. They still yearned for a mother’s arms and a father’s tender care. Day after day, they wait.
The call to adopt has changed my life. I still hear those cries. I still see those cribs. With the rest of my life I long to help the ones who still wait to come home.
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It's All about Trust
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
I remember 17 years ago when I began exploring adoption. I had no experience, knew nothing about the adoption process and had never been a mother. What I did have was a longing to be a mom and to parent my own little child. Many reasons led me to look into international adoption and within 6 months I was traveling to
Questions arose again and again. How would I do this? How would I do that? I remember this very large Russian doctor looking down at me and asking, “How are you going to parent this strong child?”
I could feel my heart pounding as I responded. Stretching my full height I looked up into her steel grey eyes.
“I will do fine.” Yes, I remember that glare and the questions in her eyes. I glanced down at the tender little baby in my arms. Strong? Hmm, what did that mean, I wondered. But I knew deep within that I would be given all that I needed to parent her. I trusted in the One Who had guided me to that point.
Today my delightful daughter is a bubbly 16 year old. She continues to delight all who know her. Strong? Well, yes she is passionate. Those she loves she loves fiercely. Her loyalty is unusual. Her inner strength remarkable.
Each step of the way I have trusted that God would direct me and teach me. And He has. Those who parent do not need to know everything but knowing that One Who does makes all the difference. He continues to weave His Plan of love in the lives of our children. Yes, we can always trust Him.
Do you have doubts about your ability to parent? Give me a call today at 540-825-1134.
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Benefits of a Bad Economy
Monday, September 28, 2009
What impact is the economy having on our children?
Is there any way that a bad economy can benefit children?
Yes, that is the question which troubles millions of parents as family belts are tightening forcing cutbacks that affect children. Then with the holidays right around the corner, parents anticipate sad faces and disappointed looks around the Christmas tree.
But there is a silver lining. All is not bad. These challenging times offer kids some benefits if parents handle it right.
All too often we shield our children from adversity trying to keep them happy. In doing so we often deprive them of the practice they need in navigating rough waters. When facing difficult situations our children can learn valuable lessons in how to develop resilience. So the first benefit for our kids is in learning to handle disappointment.
The second is in helping our children learn appreciation and thankfulness. Less really is more. We’ve known that for years but now we have the opportunity to experience it.
It is wise for parents to acknowledge honestly the family’s reduction in resources. The resources must be shared among everyone. In so doing children learn that the needs of family and community are important along with their personal needs.
Lastly there is the potential for increased family closeness. Instead of everyone retreating into their separate corners with cell phones and iPods, parents can lead the way with family movies, baking cookies, bike rides, talking together, etc.
Yes, a bad economy can benefit our children in more ways than those listed. It’s all in how we see it.
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The Most Important Thing
Sunday, July 19, 2009
“I need more time with you,” she said looking at me with her big brown eyes.
I was talking with my youngest last May about school for the next year. Although I was homeschooling my oldest in ninth grade my youngest had been attending public school.
“What do you mean?” I asked her. I knew that I spent every minute I possibly could with my girls. But I still had to work. The daily chores had to be done. What did she mean?”
“I just never have enough time with you?” she again with persistence.
But would it ever be enough, I thought initially. There were not enough hours in the day to satisfy me much less my 8 year old.
Then I thought some more.
I had adopted her when she was just turning 3. I had had a babysitter for the first year.
Then she had gone to preschool. The following year she entered kindergarten. Yes, it was true. She never had those baby years….snuggling, long times of being held. It seemed that the pressures of life came on her much too fast.
Maybe we needed to focus on what was most important. Time together.
“So you would like to be homeschooled for third grade?” I asked. Immediately the car was filled with cheers by not only my youngest but also my oldest daughter.
I didn’t know how I would do it. I didn’t know if I could do it and manage a full practice. But I knew that I had to try. Yes, I needed to attempt to give her what she believed she needed.
Well, that was a year ago.
We completed third grade and guess what? She wants to be homeschooled again.
But this time it is different.
I know that somehow we can do it. Yes, we will pull together and juggle those demands together. And we will make sure to take time together.
In the whole spectrum of life, I’m sure that this is a decision that I will never regret.
She was right. Time together is essential.
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